Love is Patient.....

As my wedding date gets closer I tend to think about factors that can "make or break" a marriage and/or relationship.  Depending on the individual, men and women have very different grounds for what can end a relationship, whether it be money differences, infidelity, domestic abuse, lifestyle changes, etc... each one of us has that straw that will break the camels back.

The other night I was laying in bed with my fiancee, and I simply asked him, "I know we have not really discussed this, but what would be the ultimate no-no that would lead you to divorce me?" His answer was very predictable, and what I thought he would say, "Cheating!"  It was not a shock that he said this because I feel like cheating is a deal breaker for many people.  Of course he threw the question right back at me, and after a few moments of deep thought, I answered "If you ever raised your hand to me."  As any good man would, he assured me that he would never think about hitting me. But then in a very low-pitched shocked tone he said, "You wouldn't leave me if I cheated on you?"

I said, "No......"

I know some of you are thinking "Oh hell no!" but like I said earlier each individual has that little thing that will push them over the edge, and a man cheating is not one of those things for me...Let me explain why, and when I explain also understand that this is my point of view as a woman entering a vow of marriage.  As a single woman I may have had a very different opinion!

First, I truly believe that men have very animalistic instincts!  They are hunters, providers, and most importantly they were put on Earth to pro-create.  It's in their nature!  With that being said, they are still human, and should have the human brain capacity to fight the temptation of infidelity.  While I truly believe most men are faithful to their wives and girlfriends, some of them just have weak animalistic moments.  Now let me break down what I mean by an "animalistic moment," I' am not talking about your dude exchanging numbers with a woman, texting her on the regular, and sneaking behind your back to be with this women physically and/or emotionally.  I am talking animalistic.....Hypothetically they work in the same office, both are attracted to one another, one day she drops the files on the ground, next thing he knew, he F'd up!  Set the scene up anyway you may need to, but I'm talking about a situation where the act of cheating was never pre-meditated!

May sounds crazy, but if my significant other came to me and told me he F'd up in this manner, I would be pissed, but I would not leave him!  However it will definitely open up a flood gate of questions to figure out the underlying reason why he allowed it to happen.....

Without actually having this happen to me, I'm not sure what exact questions I would want answered, but off the top of my head, I guess I would want to know "Was this a one time thing?" "Are you not satisfied sexually?" "What was it about her that made you slip up" "Did you kiss that hoe on the lips?" "You better had used a condom" As I write, actually the questions are flowing like crazy in my brain!!!  I think I just even side-eyed my man on the couch for no reason!

But on a serious note, everyone has their breaking point when it comes to breaking up with a significant other. For some reason I would tolerate cheating, yet abuse would be my breaking point. I think sometimes before we lash out and over-react when our spouse messes up, take a moment and think about does this change my love for this person?  Most importantly, before you get your boxes ready and call the moving company, can our love for one another get us through this situation?  

Now some of you have completely read waaayyy too much into all this! Your rolling your eyes right now assuring yourself that your going to end up with "Mr. Right," a "God Fearing Man" that doesn't cheat, steal, lie, eat pork, gamble, curse, disrespects his mama, have kids, etc...etc.....And more power to you if you indeed find this wonderful man!  But when ish hits the fan, as it will, take a moment and ask yourself....can our love for one another get us through this situation?

    

"Love is patient and kind, Love is not jealous, conceited, proud or boastful, it is not arrogant, selfish, irritable or rude. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth, Love never gives up, and its faith, hope and patience never fail. Love is eternal."
- 1-corinthians 13 4

You Have To Know Where You Came From...To Get Where Your Going!

Most of the time we react to situations w/o realizing why we react the way we do...not realizing that our reactions are out of habit.  We usually do what we know.  However, a few years back I started to question why I didn't allow myself to open up to other people. Why was I so afraid to tell my best friend my secrets? She would use them against me someday, right?  How come I couldn't love a man without thinking he would lie or cheat on me? B/c all mean cheat right?  But, then one day I opened up my eyes, and realized I wasn't alone, that there seem to be plenty of other woman with this same problem.. the fear of hurt.. So instead of confronting the problem, we walk around angry and mad at everyone and everything!  Ladies we have to stop this, we need to take a moment and figure out where this fear of love stems from in order to correct it.

Around 13 years old  is when I started to understand where this anger and hatred for love came from...It came from years of women raising children by themselves, never feeling loved, allowing men to abuse them physically and mentally, and pushing people away afraid of hurt (yup by middle school, I had it all figured out).  Like a puzzle, I would always analyze my mother and try to figureout why she couldn't just let happiness in..but it wasn't until my 20's when I put the pieces together.  It was simple, she didn't want too, and wouldn't allow herself to feel happiness b/c she was afraid of the feeling or let down it may bring.

But in between that time, I watched her slowly turn an innocent young lady (myself) into a angry young woman w/o even knowing it. My teenage years where the hardest years of my life emotionally!! My mother never abused me physically, but the emotional pain she could inflict, hurt just as bad, if not deeper.  My auntie always told me it was "Tough Love." And that was the perfect name and description for it, because I knew my mother truly loved me, she just had a tough way of showing.

But how could this woman that gave me life, the woman that would work day and night to make sure I never went without, the woman that would brag to her friend and co-workers about me, say such hurtful words to her own daughter...I heard it all, "You ain't never gone be sh*t," "Get the f*ck out my face, life, house [insert whatever word that works], " I Hate You"...and it goes on-and on.. It's not like I was a bad teen, I got amazing grades, played sports, and never got into trouble. It would be just the littlest things that would push her over the edge...You could leave a fork in the living room or forget to throw your clothes in the hamper, and the flood gates were opened...

After awhile I just learned to ignore her, I would just deal with my pain through tears and hateful thoughts (and the cycle begins).  I realized that I had let my mothers actions determine my actions and reactions. I let her numb me to love and pain b/c I simply couldn't differentiate between the two.  The way I dealt with my friends, men, and other adults was all "controlled" by the way I was taught to love..

Once I went to college and no longer lived in my mothers house, I learned to forgive her for all the hurt she put me through, b/c it never had anything to do with me..She was simply a product of hurt so all she knew was hurt.. But I promised myself I would break the cycle, I wasn't going to be a product of  this so called "tough love."

Inspiration for my tattoo

I was going to allow myself to love myself, my friends, and men. By doing so I have mended some very special friendships with girlfriends I wrote off, I have opened up to everyday people I may have never let in, and most importantly I learned to let a man (my fiance) show me what it's like to love and be loved.  It took a very long time to get there, and it's something that I'm still battling with until this day, but the lesson is: No matter how much pain and hurt you have been put through, Don't ever allow someone else to take away your ability to love another person or yourself. 

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love.
~ Mother Teresa 

** I just want to say when I wrote this post I had no intentions on hurting my mother, disrespecting her, or putting her "on blast." I love my mother with all my heart, she did the best SHE could do on her own, and respectively she did an amazing job.. I just want to open people's eyes to where my hurt came from, and how people very close to you, can truly have an impact on every other relationship in your life.**