You Have To Know Where You Came From...To Get Where Your Going!

Most of the time we react to situations w/o realizing why we react the way we do...not realizing that our reactions are out of habit.  We usually do what we know.  However, a few years back I started to question why I didn't allow myself to open up to other people. Why was I so afraid to tell my best friend my secrets? She would use them against me someday, right?  How come I couldn't love a man without thinking he would lie or cheat on me? B/c all mean cheat right?  But, then one day I opened up my eyes, and realized I wasn't alone, that there seem to be plenty of other woman with this same problem.. the fear of hurt.. So instead of confronting the problem, we walk around angry and mad at everyone and everything!  Ladies we have to stop this, we need to take a moment and figure out where this fear of love stems from in order to correct it.

Around 13 years old  is when I started to understand where this anger and hatred for love came from...It came from years of women raising children by themselves, never feeling loved, allowing men to abuse them physically and mentally, and pushing people away afraid of hurt (yup by middle school, I had it all figured out).  Like a puzzle, I would always analyze my mother and try to figureout why she couldn't just let happiness in..but it wasn't until my 20's when I put the pieces together.  It was simple, she didn't want too, and wouldn't allow herself to feel happiness b/c she was afraid of the feeling or let down it may bring.

But in between that time, I watched her slowly turn an innocent young lady (myself) into a angry young woman w/o even knowing it. My teenage years where the hardest years of my life emotionally!! My mother never abused me physically, but the emotional pain she could inflict, hurt just as bad, if not deeper.  My auntie always told me it was "Tough Love." And that was the perfect name and description for it, because I knew my mother truly loved me, she just had a tough way of showing.

But how could this woman that gave me life, the woman that would work day and night to make sure I never went without, the woman that would brag to her friend and co-workers about me, say such hurtful words to her own daughter...I heard it all, "You ain't never gone be sh*t," "Get the f*ck out my face, life, house [insert whatever word that works], " I Hate You"...and it goes on-and on.. It's not like I was a bad teen, I got amazing grades, played sports, and never got into trouble. It would be just the littlest things that would push her over the edge...You could leave a fork in the living room or forget to throw your clothes in the hamper, and the flood gates were opened...

After awhile I just learned to ignore her, I would just deal with my pain through tears and hateful thoughts (and the cycle begins).  I realized that I had let my mothers actions determine my actions and reactions. I let her numb me to love and pain b/c I simply couldn't differentiate between the two.  The way I dealt with my friends, men, and other adults was all "controlled" by the way I was taught to love..

Once I went to college and no longer lived in my mothers house, I learned to forgive her for all the hurt she put me through, b/c it never had anything to do with me..She was simply a product of hurt so all she knew was hurt.. But I promised myself I would break the cycle, I wasn't going to be a product of  this so called "tough love."

Inspiration for my tattoo

I was going to allow myself to love myself, my friends, and men. By doing so I have mended some very special friendships with girlfriends I wrote off, I have opened up to everyday people I may have never let in, and most importantly I learned to let a man (my fiance) show me what it's like to love and be loved.  It took a very long time to get there, and it's something that I'm still battling with until this day, but the lesson is: No matter how much pain and hurt you have been put through, Don't ever allow someone else to take away your ability to love another person or yourself. 

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love.
~ Mother Teresa 

** I just want to say when I wrote this post I had no intentions on hurting my mother, disrespecting her, or putting her "on blast." I love my mother with all my heart, she did the best SHE could do on her own, and respectively she did an amazing job.. I just want to open people's eyes to where my hurt came from, and how people very close to you, can truly have an impact on every other relationship in your life.**